Infomercials

If that title isn't blog-roadkill, I don't know what is.

I think I'm addicted to blogging. 3rd or 4th post in 24 hours. Obviously, I need to get a life.

This is _ work in progress. My _ key doesnt work. _nd I c_nt post _nything with _n  _ now either by using my right key _nd copy, then p_sting _n _  in the text. For some re_son, it's not working like it h_s before. So...for this post, till I'm done, m_y include either @ symbols for _'s or _ for _'s. If you didn't w_tch Hooked-on-Phonics when you were 5 _nd you h_ven't figured out wh_t letter it is, it's the first letter of the _lph_bet, _nd the first vowel. If you still h_ven't figured it out, I suggest you go  b_ck to kinderg_rten, there still m_y be hope for you yet.

Okay. Since I’m getting tired of having blank spots in my words, I’m typing this up in Word, then copying over into my blog. More work, but not really. I’m just that lazy.

Anyways, my title: Infomercials.
It’s nearly 4 in the morning (as I type this…I just realized my blog clock is 2 hours different than my clock. So it’ll probably say I’m posting this closer to 2 in the morning instead and it is long past that, I assure you.)

What’s on television at 4 in the morning? Infomercials. How do I know this? I’m somewhat a night owl, somewhat an insomniac. Doesn’t take much for me to stay up, watching re-runs of shows, looking like a zombie. Occasionally Billy Mays would pop on TV and start talking. His yelling voice is bound to wake anyone up.

 If you are a normal person who sleeps at night and doesn’t recognize the name of Infomercials, know it’s also called Paid Programming. You know, the commercials that try to sell you crap you don’t need?
The commercials are pointless but they’re smart. The sellers find every sneaky angle. They make the price low (until you see how many payments you’ll have to make of that ‘amazing low price’), they make it fun colors for variety (who doesn’t love options?), and they’ll suggest it for anyone and guarantee that everybody’ll love it! Plus they hit us at the time of day where we’re so tired that any food looks good, everything is funny, and we can’t help but agree with the narrator that we just can’t live without this odd little gadget or giant workout system (that folds up conveniently, of course). The sellers will also have a random celebrity endorse it or demonstrate what it does so you can do it as well! How awesome is that? And let’s not forget that if you call, RIGHT NOW, you’ll get either a second one free, or a free gift! Who doesn’t love free stuff?

Some products, I wont deny, actually DO work. But most don’t.  Here’s some popular ones (I am not confirming nor denying which of these do or don’t work) :

I’m honestly not sure why I decided to blog about Infomercials…I just saw one and thought about it.

---later today---

I sing while vacuuming J no one can hear me!

Promised myself I would get 1/3^rd of my thank you notes done today. So I couldn’t blog till I was done. To help me stay focused, I put in across the Universe. Love the Beatles, love singing with this musical, and it’s got Eddie Izzard in it. Whats not to love? So of course I sing my heart out and get almost half my notes done. Go me!

Allergies. Ew. They’ve made me feel like poop and in general, sick, for the past few days. They’ve overstayed their welcome!

Rant!! Ugh I just hate allergies. In the fall, I’ll get them. Every March, I just get sick. It’s only ever allergies, but I’m usually miserable for a full month. You know how horrible that is? Just knowing you’re going to be sick for weeks with little comfort? You just know you’re going to be sick! Wake up, you’re sick. Go to work/school, sick. Come home, sick. It’s horrible to have ‘sick’ be your normal.
----Even later----

I’ve begun to wonder about old people. I like to think they all have a secret language made up. Like “I need more pistachio pudding!” means “Meeting at 4, bring knitting needles”
Or “How long till I get my medicine?” really means “Hot nurse working today!”
Or “I’m off to play bingo!” means “Got some Captain Morgan in my room!”
Maybe “I’m off to take a nap” is hinting there’s a crazy party later and someone doesn’t want to miss anything.

I’m sure old people lead secret lives, though, and put on the ‘old, slow, and fragile’ act on so we’re sweet to them. I can imagine “Come find me when Dr. Oz comes on” really means “I’m off to rob a bank and if I’m not back by 9, then Shmitty got me”. Or even “Going to go get my hair done with Mary” is codename for “Off to play the most epic game of Ninja. Hopefully I don’t forget my invisible Katana this time. Mary’s going to be there, so watch out for her ninja stars!”. Ohh old people. Gotta love them.

Where did I get Shmitty from?

P.S. “No, he smells so bad, he could keep a herd of zombies away”

(In case the P.S. parts of the blogs seem completely random and irrelevant, it’s because they are.)